To start off with, let me introduce you to my cats.
Meet Jasper, the rug dweller.
Gabriel is a stress eater who's goal in life is to become so fat that Petsmart will require him to purchase a second litter box, as he will be too wide to fit into just one, which are sized for regular-girthed cats.
His secondary goal is to ensure that I am sticking to a highly regimented schedule of his choosing. He achieves this by emitting a high-pitched meow with the regularity of a metronome - one whose tone closely mimics that of a disabled kitten abandoned in a cardboard box by the side of the road on a winter's day. In the rain.When it is time for my next daily activity (as determined by the Himself), Gabriel will sit at my feet and pin me with the sort of unbreakable stare commonly seen in black holes, and begin to assault me with his patented soul-rending meow.
And he will continue doing this, unceasingly, regardless of whether or not I pelt him with balled up napkins to try to get him to stop, until I finally get up and go to my next activity. I imagine this daily accomplishment brings him a great deal of occupational satisfaction, like a telemarketer who has figured out how to hack people's phones to keep them from being able to hang up, and then bombards them with sales pitches until they finally give in and buy something.
My daily schedule, according to my CatAlarm (c):
- 6:30 am - Get up and feed me
- 7:30 am - Now actually get up and go to work
- 1:00 pm - Make yourself lunch
- 3:30 pm - Pick me up and hold me right this instant
- 4:00 pm - Pick me up again, if not still holding
- 4:03 pm - Now put me down
- 5:00 pm - Feed me
- 5:07 pm - FEED ME MORE
- 8:00 pm - Pick me up and hold me
- 8:01 pm - No wait, put me down, I didn't actually want you to hold me
- 11:30 pm - Take your shower so I can stand on the edge of the tub and watch you
- 12:30 am - Go to bed
- 1:00 am - Stop interneting and go to bed, you stupid human
Jasper is a much more simple cat. Mostly this is because he doesn't seem to realize that he actually IS a cat. Things Jasper thinks he is: A dog, a naked mole rat, a Chipotle employee.
The Dog: Jasper will come when his name is called and likes to play fetch. No, I'm not kidding.
The Nake Mole Rat: See "Rug Dweller", above. Jasper is also a part-time Sheet Dweller, as he likes to burrow under the sheet I use to protect my sofa and do normal cat/dog things under there. Like grooming himself. And attempting to come when his name is called (which results in confusion when he finds that he can't simply phase right through the sheet and leap off the sofa, but must actually burrow his way back out).
The Chipotle Employee: With the current state of the economy, Jasper has decided to apply for a job at Chipotle. Below you can see him practicing his burrito-rolling technique. Gabriel was not amused, mostly because being used as burrito filling was preventing him altering me to the fact that it was time for me to feed him his second dinner and help him on his way to attaining the approximate size and shape of a watermelon.
